Fanny is currently on her USA "Fanny's Big Ones" Tour and took pause to convey to us her impressions of Starbucks "coffee". As she is such an expert on so many subjects, including fitting a rubber grip to the handle of a cricket bat, we thought you might enjoy reading her words:To: Hot off the InternetSo there you have it! From both sides of the Atlantic, Starbucks "coffee" is nothing more than nasty burnt little coffee beans foisted onto America as great bean juice by a slick marketing department.
From: F.J.Bush (Miss)
Subject: Starbucks Coffee
Dear Hot Off The Internet,
Three days into my Big Ones Tour, I am coming to terms gradually with the steamy pleasures of Texas, notably what condenses on my spectacles when I step outside. This, I find, is a small price to pay for the many exotic and exciting sensations to be found in this city.
Some things, however, appear to be the same the world over. After a satisfying hunk of lunchtime sausage yesterday, what should my great-nephew see as we left the sandwich shop but a Starbucks coffee house. In shameful neglect of your advice, we stepped inside, hoping this might be the spot for a mouthful of something hot and invigorating. What I got was a nasty, bitter espresso in a cup twice the size it should have been. My great-nephew rated his cappuccino 'OK', but with that much milk you can cover almost anything.
Having no coffee in our humble lodgings, but not wishing to sink to the level of supermarket sludge, I took the risk of buying some there to take home. The man at the counter took the trouble to ask what I was used to drinking, then ignored my answer and tried to sell me the same stuff he sells to everyone who doesn't know the silly names they give their blends. I resisted and eventually escaped with something called Big Hat that I thought might vaguely resemble my favourite Santos-and-Java back home. Sad to say, vaguely was about it - at breakfast this morning, I was sure I could detect hints of real coffee flavour, but all I could think as I swallowed each mouthful was 'sour, stifled, BURNT'.
I should have known, but sometimes one just has to put oneself through these experiences. I shall certainly know better next time.
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